


On The Edge

by Wolfcry22



Series: The Exhausted Mind of Poe [17]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Poe Dameron/Finn, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, Hurt Poe Dameron, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Poe Dameron Has PTSD, Poe Dameron Hurts So Prettily, Poe Dameron Is A Mess, Poe Dameron Needs A Hug, Post-Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Finn (Star Wars), Resistance, Sad Poe Dameron
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-04
Updated: 2020-09-13
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:46:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,071
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26278885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wolfcry22/pseuds/Wolfcry22
Summary: It’s Poe’s first Resistance party since his PTSD interrupted the last one. Finn stays with him inside so he’s not alone.
Relationships: Poe Dameron/Finn
Series: The Exhausted Mind of Poe [17]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1605424
Comments: 2
Kudos: 26





	1. The Invitation

**Author's Note:**

> This story is going to be a little more plot heavy than the stories that I’ve written as of late. It will still have the same themes as before, but it will be a little darker. As always, warning for some serious themes such as PTSD depictions, panic attacks, and other triggering themes that may not be suitable for everyone, so please use discretion when reading this story or any of them in this series. Hope you all enjoy!

Poe knew that this time was coming. It had been a long time in coming and he had tried to push it from his mind for as long as possible. However, it was no longer a distant date that he had to worry about. It was tonight and Poe was far from ready.

He found himself nearly shaking as he stood next to his X-Wing. He had been doing some repairs and cleaning even though he couldn’t fly it. Finn and him had argued about it for a while before Poe finally agreed that it would be best for him if he was grounded for the time being. It had been one of the worst moments of his life to know that something that brought him so much joy, something that was so part of him, was taken away. He knew that Finn wasn’t doing it out of malice or enjoyment, but concern. There was no saying what would happen what would happen if Poe had a flashback or panic attack while in his X-Wing without anyone to talk him down from it. Flying took skill and concentration, which left Poe as soon as his memory decided to play with it. Poe knew that it was for the best, but that didn’t mean he had to like it or that he couldn’t at least spend time beside his beloved ship.

Poe looked down to the invitation in hand. He knew what it was without opening it. He had been the one to design them with help from Finn months ago. The problem was that Poe hadn’t had the issues that he had now back then. This had seemed like a great idea to get everyone together and take the pressure off of some of the stresses that came up. He wasn’t feeling the pressure release in any sense of the word. If anything, this reminder caused a tremor of terror to pulse through him.

A gentle and yet concerned beep pulled Poe’s attention. He looked down to see BB-8 rolling up to him slowly. The little astromech had been helping Poe with the repairs and had helped with a diagnostic too. It was one of the only times that they got to spend together alone without Finn and D-O. Poe relished in these times with his best friend. He also used the time to reassure BB-8 that Finn hadn’t replaced him. Finn and him were different in their relationship than the one that Poe had with BB-8. Not weaker or stronger, but different.

BB-8 noticed his friend stiffen and he cautiously rolled forward. Poe quickly lifted a hand and rubbed it against his eyes that threatened to leak tears. “I’m fine,” he exclaimed a little too quickly. “It’s stupid anyway.” He let his hand fall with the invitation in hand. The orange and white droid was able to tilt his dome so that he could read what it said. Once he did, he let out a long and almost apologetic beep.

Poe lifted a hand and rubbed at the back of his neck before pulling at his curly hair that hung down and rested on the back of his neck. “It’s fine. I’m fine. It doesn’t matter. I can handle it. I’m fine!” His voice grew sharp and strained as he dropped the invitation. He turned back to his X-Wing and ducked under it as he continued with the repairs while muttering almost manically under his breath.

BB-8 hesitated a moment as worry worked through his small body and processing circuits. His dome swiveled to Poe and then to the door that led from the hanger. He made a decision as he rolled forward quickly, bypassing other pilots even after they called to him or exclaimed when he almost ran over their toes. BB-8 didn’t care. He was on a mission!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A shrill beep startled Finn where he had been trying to fix a holoprojector. His head snapped upwards in alarm and collided with the cool metal of the device. He swore under his breath as he sat back to see BB-8 rolling toward him. “BB-8, what was that for,” groaned Finn as he lifted a hand to rub at his head. He was relieved that he didn’t feel any sticky blood, but he would certainly had a dull throb in his head for the rest of the day.

BB-8 let out a string of pungent beeps and harsh whirls while his dome swiveled on his circular body. Finn nodded slowly as he tried to follow. He didn’t speak binary despite Poe’s attempt to teach him. It was just too complicated for him. Finn and BB-8 had reached a general understanding that Finn couldn’t understand and it usually wasn’t a problem, except now.

“Yeah, yeah, BB-8 I can’t understand you,” Finn exclaimed while BB-8 continued to chatter worryingly. 

The orange and white droid’s dome fell forward in understanding. He then perked up as he rolled toward the door of the small room. He turned back to look at Finn and Finn realized that BB-8 wanted him to follow him. “Alright, I’m coming.” He grunted as he rose to his feet and followed BB-8. 

BB-8 broke into a quick roll so that Finn had to run to keep up with him. He could sense the urgency in BB-8 and Finn’s own concern was heightened. He knew that BB-8 had been with Poe and rarely ever left his side, especially since Poe had started to really struggle. Finn always felt better when BB-8 or D-O was with him just to make sure that things went smoothly. BB-8 hadn’t needed to find Finn yet and it was terrifying that BB-8 felt the need to see out Finn and do it with such urgency.

The two rushed into the hanger. It was mostly empty thanks to most of the pilots off on recon missions or out on patrol. There were only a few stragglers that were cleaning their X-Wings or just chattering excitedly like warblers. Finn recognized a few of them, but he didn’t have time to stop and chat. BB-8 was still frantically rolling forward and Finn was willing his legs to be able to keep up with him.

Finally, Finn saw Poe’s X-Wing loom into view. It looked to be in pristine condition from what he could tell. Poe came down often to make repairs or clean it even though he hadn’t used it in weeks. It had taken all of Finn’s persuasion and a little anger to get him to admit that it would be best if he didn’t fly. Finn had presented it to him as a sort of choice, telling him that he didn’t want Poe to get hurt or hurt others. It had still taken almost a week of going back and forth before Poe finally concluded that he needed to be grounded. Finn knew how much it had broken Poe, but he also knew that Poe was in no condition to fly at the moment. He had tried to reassure him it wouldn’t be forever, and yet it hadn’t brought Poe any peace.

Finn gradually drew to a halt, feeling his chest heaving for each breath. He kept himself as composed as possible as he looked around his X-Wing, trying to catch a glimpse of the curly haired Resistance pilot. “Poe?”

Finn didn’t receive an answer, but he heard muttering from under the X-Wing. Finn crouched down and saw Poe on his back with a wrench in his hand and part of a panel removed. He seemed to be working diligently. On what? Finn didn’t know. Finn was aware that Poe would sometimes create needless projects on his X-Wing when he was bored or anxious to just give him something to do. Yet, this seemed like something else.

“Poe,” Finn repeated a little louder this time. He tried to have authority and strength in his voice, but he feared that it was coming out flat.

Poe turned his head to the side, a line of grease spread across his cheek. “What,” he asked savagely, a fire shinning in his eyes.

Finn matched his anger with calmness. “I was just wondering if we could talk?”

“Why would I need to do that,” Poe sniffed as he lifted his wrench back up into his X-Wing while he reached up with his other hand to shift some wires so that he could see better.

Finn set his jaw as he tried not to let frustration overwhelm him. Matching Poe’s aggression wasn’t going to help anything. “Can’t your boyfriend just show up to talk? I thought that you would like that,” Finn answered as he shifted so that he was on his knees in a less painful position.

Poe snorted as he jabbed the wrench forward. It caught on a wire and sparks rained down on Poe as he tore the wrench away. “Damnit,” Poe roared as he tried to sit up only to hit his head on the belly of his X-Wing.

Finn knew that feeling. His head still throbbed from where he had hit it. He wanted to offer something, anything. He sensed that it would only push Poe closer to the edge and that was the only reason he refrained. Finn watched as Poe lifted a greasy hand to his forehead with his teeth gritted in pain. He rolled out from under the X-Wing and threw the wrench into a nearby toolbox, causing a few other tools to fall on the ground due to the force.

BB-8 rolled over to Finn and Finn noticed something in his small claw of a hand. He raised an eyebrow, kneeling down and grasping the paper that was in BB-8’s claw. Finn turned it over and felt his stomach drop.

In his hand was the invitation for the Resistance Diplomatic Party.


	2. Making It Worse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn just wants to help, but the memories for Poe are just too painful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter will be pretty short and mostly be just filler leading up to the actual party. I wanted to show Poe’s thought process leading up to it and how his anxiety continues to grow until it completely boils over. I wanted to show that scenarios that produced a flashback in the past, the thought of doing or being around that environment again can exasperate the usual fight or flight response. Luckily, Poe will have Finn, who won’t leave his side no matter how dark things become.

“Damn, the party,” muttered Finn as he lifted his free hand and pinched the bridge of his nose. It was obvious now why Poe was acting the way that he was acting. He was furious and wasn’t sure what to do with all his pent up anger. All he could do was try and take it out on the only person that had gotten close to him, which was Finn.

Finn tried to look around the ship, but he couldn’t find Poe. “Poe,” he questioned as he walked around the X-Wing in an attempt to find him.

He walked the entire way around the ship before looking up and realizing that Poe was in the cockpit. A flicker of fear pulsed through Finn as he lifted his arms and rested his hands around the cool metal of the stairs that led up the cockpit. He grunted as he hauled himself up with his foot rested against one of the rungs of the ladder. He lifted his other foot to the rung right above his other foot while he leaned forward to see that Poe was leaning forward inside the cockpit, still muttering, and trying to ignore Finn standing beside him.

“Poe! 

Poe turned his head around sharply once again. “What,” he asked savagely. 

Finn knew that Poe didn’t mean the rage at which he spoke. He was having a hard time and it showed. Finn needed to be patient, no matter how far Poe tried to push him. “Poe, may I speak with you outside the cockpit, please? It’s hard to have a conversation when you’re in there,” he told him calmly.

Poe glanced up and seemed to look past Finn. Finn turned around and saw two of the pilots that he had passed on the way in, staring up at them. Finn felt heat rise against the back of his neck as he turned back to look at Poe. “Please, let’s not do this here.”

Even though Poe was clearly agitated, he still saw reason in what Finn was saying. He grunted as he rose to his feet quickly and tried to step out of the cockpit while Finn quickly stepped down from the ladder and landed easily on the ground. Poe scrambled down beside him and motioned to BB-8.

BB-8 rolled up to him with Poe kneeling in front of him. “Stay here and clean all this stuff up, alright?”

Even though it wasn’t the most exciting part of operating the X-Wing, BB-8 agreed. He rolled back under the X-Wing to fix the wire that Poe had accidentally broken. Finn nodded in relief to the orange and white droid. He then began leading Poe toward the entrance of the hanger, arms looped together. They walked forward briskly while Finn could see the tension in Poe’s clenched jaw, the rage glittering in his eyes, and how his fists were clenched down at his sides. He was about to snap with all the pent up frustration that had been festering for some time that had only been made worse by that invitation. Finn just hoped that he could get Poe someplace out of sight as quickly as possible.

Finn let out a breath in relief when he saw the door to their room. He opened it and flicked his head to urge Poe in. Poe disappeared in without another thought with his shoulders taut and jaw ticking. Finn headed in behind him and had just opened his mouth to speak when Poe spun around already with the fire in his eyes.

“What were you doing coming in there,” Poe snapped. “I had everything under control until you showed up!”

Finn tried not to let the surprise show on his face, but it was impossible for him not to do so. He stumbled backwards with his head shaking feebly. “BB-8 wouldn’t have got me if that were true,” Finn told him calmly, the struggle was evident in his voice. “He was worried about you and that’s why he came to get me. You’re not saying that you doubt BB-8’s intentions, are you?”

Poe gritted his teeth together as he clutched his hands so tightly into fists that his knuckles turned white. “No,” he seethed harshly. He drew away from Finn and started to pace around the small room. “I still didn’t need you to come. I was fine where I was!”

“Okay, then why are you so angry,” questioned Finn patiently.

Poe looked up. “You’d be pissed off too if you were me,” he replied with a roll of his eyes as if it wasn’t obvious.

Finn was really struggling to keep his own composure. He knew what would happen if he didn’t, but that didn’t make it any easier to bite his tongue. “I need you to explain what you mean? Is this about the party tonight?”

Just the mention of the party caused Poe’s body to grow more rigid. It wasn’t anger that showed on Poe’s face, but pure terror. Finn could see the blood drain from Poe’s face and make him go white. His eyes were wild in fear while his breathing seemed to quicken.

“Poe,” questioned Finn softly. He took a step toward Poe and gingerly touched his hand to Poe’s shoulder.

Poe thrust his hand to the side and knocked Finn’s hand off of him. “Don’t touch me,” he rasped as he stumbled back with his foot almost kicking out.

It hit the foot of Finn’s desk and sent the lamp on it falling to the floor. It shattered when it hit the ground and that set Poe off even more. He let out a terrified yelp as he drew forward with his face suddenly buried in his hands as his shoulders began to shake in fear and emotion. Finn was dumbfounded to how suddenly it happened. However, he knew that he couldn’t leave Poe like that.

Finn took a step forward before remembering that touching Poe may not be the best idea. “Poe, Poe, can I touch you?” It felt weird for Finn to ask. Yet, if that was the best way to help Poe, then that was what Finn was going to do.

Poe didn’t answer in words. Although, he didn’t shy away from it either. Finn took that as it was alright to at least try. He stretched out his arm and gingerly gripped Poe’s arm. Poe slightly flinched, but he let Finn steer him in his direction. Finn brought Poe over to the bed while he felt the pilot trembling beside him. He knew that it wasn’t from the cold, but from the pure panic that coursed through his body. 

Finn looked back and was about to grab a blanket to drape it around Poe’s shoulders when Poe fell sideways with his hands still pressed over his face. His head landed on Finn’s shoulder harshly as a few almost painful cries seemed to tear from his throat. 

“Okay, okay,” Finn started as he draped an arm around Poe’s shoulders and brought him closer. Poe shifted as Finn held Poe’s head close to his chest. “Shhh, shhh, it’s okay. Let it out. I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere. I’m here, I’m here.”

Poe continued to sob against Finn’s chest, fingers grasped tightly against Finn’s shirt. Finn could feel his shirt growing wet with Poe’s tears while all Finn could do was try and comfort him to the best of his ability. He didn’t want to risk talking and cause Poe to retreat even more into himself. He just needed Poe to know that he was there for him and that they would get through whatever happened to set Poe off. Finn felt that he had an idea, but he needed Poe to acknowledge it and verbalize it before Finn could really help.

“I’m going to help you through this, Poe. I just need you to tell me what I can do to make this better.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next part should be up soon. Until then I hope you all are staying safe and healthy!


	3. Side By Side

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe is finally able to discuss some fears with Finn about the party. Finn is quick to make Poe understand that he’s not alone in this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There’s a lot of buildup before the party, but I promise that it’s coming. This was one of my favorite parts to right because it’s going to explore Poe’s thoughts and how he can express them to Finn. I think that’s important to show and I come it comes across well. Hope you all enjoy!

Finn wasn’t sure how much time had passed before he heard Poe attempt to speak. “I’m weak, aren’t I,” he croaked.

Horror pulsed through Finn as he rested his chin on top of Poe’s head. “No! Not at all. You are the farthest from weak,” announced Finn surely.

“Then why does this keep happening,” Poe continued, his voice muffled in Finn’s chest. “I shouldn’t be brought to the edge because of a fucking invitation that I helped create.”

Finn couldn’t give Poe the answer that he needed, or any answer for that matter. He knew that Poe wasn’t weak and yet he couldn’t explain why it was happening. Why should Poe have to go through this when so many Resistance pilots didn’t? Why was Poe so different? Was it something genetic? Was it environmental? Did it stem from his loss? Finn didn’t know and he didn’t have an answer for him, and that was even more frustrating that anything that Poe could do while in this state.

Poe pushed away from Finn as he lowered his hands. His nose was running thanks to his crying while tears continued to roll down his cheeks. His eyes were puffy and bloodshot and his hair was disheveled even more than usual these days. Not to mention there was still grease on his face from the repairs as well as sweat that glistened on his forehead and collected on his upper lip. He certainly didn’t look his best, not that Finn would ever say so. “This isn’t me, Finn.”

Finn’s heart seemed to splinter into a million pieces. He tried to push that thought down as far as he could while he reached behind Poe and grabbed a tissue box they kept on their nightstand. Finn carried the box back toward them and pulled out a few handfuls of the white squares.

“I know.” Finn lifted his hand slowly and waited to see if Poe would take the tissues. When he didn’t, Finn didn’t hesitate to wipe at Poe’s nose with the gentlest of touches. He crumpled that handful once he had wiped Poe’s nose dry. He thumbed the tears from Poe’s cheeks in an attempt to clean him up to the best of his ability. “I know that this isn’t. However, it doesn’t change the way that I feel about you, alright? Know that.”

Poe looked away bashfully. “I don’t deserve a guy like you.”

“Hey!” Poe flinched at Finn’s sudden exclamation. “You deserve the best in my opinion. I am lucky to have found someone like you, no matter what you’re going through.” Finn stretched out his hands and grasped Poe’s, giving them a squeeze before lifting each one up to his mouth and peppering them with kisses. “I love you, Poe, and all I want to do is help. I can’t do that unless you talk to me.”

Poe looked down shyly. Rarely was Poe quiet and it worried Finn to see him that way. “I don’t know.....it’s just all......” He let out a sound between a sigh and a growl in agitation.

“Hey, take your time. Say what you’re feeling and take your time. We will take as much time as you need,” Finn bowed as he gave Poe’s hands another soft squeeze.

Poe finally lifted his head so that his brown eyes could meet Finn’s steady gaze. He still looked like he was struggling to say it, but Finn would be patient since that was what Poe really needed. 

Poe let out a heavy breath as he tried, once more, to articulate what he meant. “The first party that we had after the war ended was when it first happened.”

Finn narrowed his eyes. “I’m not sure about that. It was the first time that symptoms were severe enough to be noticed by more than just us, though. You were jumpy and withdrawn for a while, but I know what you mean,” he corrected.

Poe frowned as his head bobbed in a slight nod. “Yeah, yeah, I guess so, but that was when I saw everything happen. I couldn’t control my own thoughts with those fireworks.” Just saying the word of one of his triggers caused his Adam’s apple to bob as he gulped. “And I can’t control those feelings now.”

“Who says that you need to control them,” pressed Finn with almost wide eyes. “Control is a strong word. Maybe work on your release of it, but you don’t need to control anything.”

Poe looked down in embarrassment once again. “Easy for you to say. You’re not the one that has to have everyone look at you and mutter about what a screwup you are.”

“Perhaps not, but does it make me angry to see them treat you that way. They hurt you, they hurt me, simple as that.” Finn leaned over to pressed a kiss to Poe’s forehead. “I love you and I will do whatever you want me to do. If you don’t think that you’re ready to attend to the party, then we don’t have to go. Is that what is stressing you out so much?”

Poe’s face fell. Finn had gotten it exactly right, but it was beyond difficult to admit it. “I can’t do that, Finn. I’m expected there. I’m not just a pilot anymore. I’m a General. This is one of my duties.”

“To go to a party with diplomatics and other Resistance members? That doesn’t sound like what the General of the Resistance should be worrying about,” Finn argued.

Poe shook his head. “I don’t know about that. Being a diplomatic is a huge part of being the General. I never realized that with Leia. They expect me there and I need to be composed.” He leaned forward as he pulled his hands from Finn’s and ran his fingers through his hair. “I don’t know if I can do this, Finn. I get terrified even thinking about it. How am I going to do this?”

Finn could see the turmoil within Poe. He could feel it in the way that Poe acted and he longed to be able to do something. He sighed as he drew forward and wrapped an arm around Poe once more. “Then lean on me. Let me help. All you need to do is tell me what you need and if you don’t know, then we can figure it out together.”

Poe managed to glance up to see the sincerity in Finn’s gaze. He knew that Finn wanted only to help him. He had to give him something. “Don’t leave me tonight. Maybe we can have a signal or something if things are getting too overwhelming.”

“Sure. How about....” Finn lifted his hand and brushed it against the side of his jaw as if he was just scratching some stubborn stubble that had just grown back. “That work?”

To Poe it was inconspicuous and unnoticeable by most. He nodded. “I think that’s a great idea, Finn. But, you won’t leave, will you?”

Finn gave Poe a tight squeeze. “I will stay by your side. I won’t leave you. We will get through this together no matter what.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And back to the fluff I go. I just can’t seem to get away from it. I alternate between angst and fluff, or sometimes have both of them at the same time. Anyway, the party is coming up in general Star Wars fashion. I hope you guys liked this part and are staying safe and healthy!


	4. Getting Ready

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn and Poe get ready for the big night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s finally time for the actual party! It’s going to be a little different than the first one, but it will be a party nonetheless. This part will lead up to the climax of the story so you will have to wait a little longer for some conflict, but I hope it will be worth the wait!

Finn grumbled in frustration as he looked into his reflection of himself in the fresher mirror. His fingers fumbled to tie the tie around his neck to no avail. All he could do was almost wrap his fingers before he let out a huff and rested his hands on the edge of the sink.

Finn had never had to dress up like this before. Certainly not when he was a First Order Stormtrooper and not even now when he joined the Resistance. He had never worn a suit before and certainly hadn’t worn or even really seen a tie. How was he supposed to know how to tie it?

“Finn?”

Finn spun around fiercely, locked in his own frustration, when he saw Poe standing in front of him. The Resistance pilot was now dressed in a black suit with laced up shoes and a bow tie around his neck. His hair was as curly as ever, but certainly put together nicely. He looked nervous as he wrung his hands together and looked up to Finn. “How do I look?”

Finn’s mouth went dry as he struggled to answer. “Y-You look handsome, Poe. Just wow,” Finn breathed as a wide smile showed on his face while his eyes glowed. He had never felt more attracted to Poe than in this moment. He longed to just launch himself at Poe and tear off his clothes. However, that wasn’t going to help them with the party that they had to go to.

Poe looked down almost bashfully. Finn recalled a time where Poe would’ve embraced it and said something charismatic and flirtatious. That seemed like a lifetime ago. “I don’t know about that,” he joked.

Finn took a step toward Poe and took his face gingerly in his hands. He tipped his head upward and pressed his lips to Poe’s. Poe tipped his head back to give Finn more access as Finn opened his mouth to deepen the kiss. Finn could taste the mint flavor since Poe had just brushed his teeth. Finn could feel how soft Poe’s lips were and he longed to never leave. 

Poe broke away and Finn let out a whimper when Poe pulled away. “We’re going to be late,” Poe pointed out with a knowing glance.

Finn knew what Poe meant. They could get carried away quickly if they continued in this direction. That didn’t mean that Finn wouldn’t rather stay home and cuddle with Poe on their bed. He tried to force those thoughts from his mind as he rubbed a hand against his neck. “Yeah, I know.”

Poe glanced up and almost snickered when he saw the tie still draped around Finn’s neck. “Do you know how to tie a tie?”

“Stormtroopers aren’t exactly known for their fancy parties and how often we dressed up. I don’t think I ever dressed up,” Finn commented. He tried not to show his embarrassment that Poe had been able to put himself together flawlessly while Finn had struggled. He felt uncomfortable in such restrictive clothing and the fact that he couldn’t tie a tie just added insult to injury.

Poe didn’t taunt him the way that Finn thought that would. Instead, he lifted his nimble fingers and started to expertly flip the tie over itself before looping it around. He secured it tightly with the knot, nodding in pride. “How does that feel?”

Finn looked down as he lifted his hand to smooth it down. “I guess alright. I mean, I’m not as comfortable as I’d like, but that’s not your fault.”

“I think you look amazing,” Poe told him as he looked him up and down. “But, if you’re not comfortable than maybe we can—“

“Poe, it’s fine,” interrupted Finn as he stretched out his hand to nudge Poe’s elbow. “I’m going to be fine. We’re going to do this together. Remember, if you need a break or a moment, just remember the signal.” Finn lifted his hand to gingerly rub at the side of his jaw just as they had decided.

Poe nodded slowly as he shifted his weight from one foot to the other. Finn could see the worry on his face and he couldn’t help but stretch out his hand and rest it on Poe’s shoulder. He squeezed his shoulder gingerly until Poe pulled his attention up to Finn. “You can do this. I’m not going to leave your side, I promise. Are you ready?”

Poe straightened and nodded surely. Finn couldn’t stop the pride from thundering through him when he saw how strong Poe was. Even with all the challenges that Poe had been through, he always wanted to be strong for the Resistance. That was something that Finn loved about Poe and he wished that he could take the pain from him. Since he couldn’t, he could at least stay beside him and shield him from any looks or words that could be aimed to hurt Poe. 

“Shall we,” offered Finn as he stretched out his arm toward Poe. 

Poe brightened with an almost nervous smile as he looped his arm with Finn. “As ready as I’m going to be,” Poe replied quietly.

Finn started forward with Poe right beside him. They headed out of the room where BB-8 and D-O were waiting patiently. Finn had tried to persuade them to stay back, but BB-8 wouldn’t leave Poe and D-O wouldn’t leave BB-8. Finn wasn’t quite sure how this would go. D-O didn’t have a filter and didn’t always understand what he said and would repeat just about anything that he heard. That could bring forth some challenges, but Finn wasn’t going to force him to stay back. If anything he could use D-O as an excuse to leave with Poe if need be.

“W-W-Wow,” D-O stammered as he looked up to Poe and Finn.

BB-8 echoed what D-O said as he rolled slightly forward. Poe chuckled as he looked down to the two droids. “Thanks, guys. You two ready?”

“Yes!” BB-8 let out an excited beep while D-O actually spoke. The two of them turned and rolled forward while Finn and Poe followed a little slower in an effort to be more composed. 

They closer they arrived to the door that would lead out of the bunker, the more jittery Poe got. He tried to slow while Finn kept his feet moving. “You good,” murmured Finn.

Poe let out a heavy breath. It sounded almost wheezing from his throat as he tried to keep himself from breaking down. “I’ll be good. I can do this. I can do this.”

Finn nodded gravely. He kept his gaze fixed in front of him as he thought about doing his best to keep himself as calm as he could. So many things could go wrong or set Poe off. That was just life with them. Finn was used to it, but that didn’t mean that everyone else was. Bringing in leaders from other planets was alarming too since it would be broadcasting their very private problems to a very intense audience. It worried Finn to bring Poe into this hostile environment when he couldn’t control those things and it terrified him that he couldn’t. He had to stay strong for Poe so that he didn’t break and it was a struggle everyday to stay positive.

They drew to the door that led to the outside. Poe pulled his arm from Finn’s and Finn tried his best not to feel disappointed. He knew where Poe was coming from. Just because they were comfortable with who they were and their truth did not mean everyone else was.

“Ready,” Finn questioned after a moment of standing in front of the door.

Poe nodded. “As ready as I’ll ever be.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next part will really explore the party and all the sights and sounds that go along with it. I hope you all enjoy and are staying safe and healthy!


	5. Party and Panic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The party could be going better.
> 
> It could also be going worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally to the party! I like a lot of building tension in my stories and sometimes it takes a couple chapters to do it, but things are really going to pick up now. Anyway, this is finally the part that delves into the party and all the challenges that come with it.

Things could’ve been going better. 

They also could’ve been going worse. 

Finn found himself just smiling and nodding most of the time as he listened to stuck up diplomats speaking about things he didn’t understand and didn’t care to understand. He sipped from one of the glasses of bubbling liquid while keeping a close eye on the only person he had eyes for at the party.

Poe was speaking to someone that Finn did not know. However, Finn could tell that Poe was about at unengaged in that conversation as Finn was with whoever was speaking to him. Finn had forced himself to put a little bit of space between him and Poe so that things didn’t become suspicious. It was clear that neither one of them were having a good time and did not want to be there. In fact, Finn could’ve thought of a million other things that he would rather be doing at the moment: Fighting Kylo Ren, being shot by a blaster, or having Balmorra Flu all sounded more enjoyable than this party.

Finn started to almost drift off where he stood when he heard the sound of something being fired into the sky. It only took him one moment to realize what it was as a colorful explosion filled the air.

Oh no.

Finn looked over to Poe to see him with widening eyes and an increasing panicked look on his face. He was still trying to listen to the diplomat in front of him, but it was clear that he was moments away from being unable to regulate himself, especially when the fireworks exploded into the air.

“Damnit,” Finn muttered under his breath as he set his drink on top of the nearest service droid. He excited himself from the conversation that he hadn’t been paying attention to and started forward with an exit strategy in mind. He darted over to Poe and flashed his most charming smile to the female diplomat. “Will you excuse us for just one moment?”

She nodded graciously while Finn gingerly grasped onto Poe’s forearm. It was a dangerous decision since Poe could be so unpredictable when it came to touch in this way, especially when he wasn’t expecting it. Luckily, Poe was more paranoid than he was agitated and he allowed Finn to lead him forward without any protests. Finn excused himself and Poe from the diplomat one more time before heading toward the bunker as more fireworks flashed across the sky with the respective thunder echoing around them.

It reminded Finn way too much of the first time that Poe had first had his panic attack and confessed that he had thought about ending his own life. That was something that Finn could never get used to hearing and he couldn’t have Poe feeling that way again, especially around all of these people. He was already seeing some confused stares thanks to the blank expression on Poe’s face. He didn’t even look to be fully aware about where he was. The only time he appeared aware was when another firework would send another booming sound through the air and that would cause Poe to flinch. His eyes screwed up while his head darted from side to side as if searching to see where he was and what had happened.

The door didn’t come soon enough with Finn nearly shoving Poe into the nearest bunker, which was luckily where their room was. They headed inside and the door closed forcefully behind him. Poe whimpered as he suddenly staggered against the side of the bunker with his face drawn almost in pain. Even in the bunker the sound of the party could still be heard as well as the crackling and thundering of the fireworks.

Finn huffed as he stooped down beside Poe and rested his hands on both of Poe’s cheeks. He gave small taps to snap him out of it. “Poe, Poe, look at me. Hey, hey, you need to focus on the sound of my voice, alright? I’m right here in front of you. You just need to focus on me.”

Poe was muttering under his breath. Finn couldn’t pick up the words or what they meant. However, he did know that Poe couldn’t stay in the hallway, trembling and whimpering in terror. The chance that someone would pass by was certainly slim, but still a possibility.

“Poe, let’s get you somewhere a little better than here, alright,” questioned Finn hopefully as he brought the back of his hand to Poe’s forehead. He wasn’t warm and yet he was still muttering. “How about we talk about this somewhere else, huh? Can you do that?”

Poe continued to mutter with his head lolling from side to side. As another explosion sounded that shook the bunker, Poe hunkered down even more despite Finn trying to hold onto him. “No, no! Gone, they’re gone. Snap, Tore, Shill. They’re all gone just gone!”

Some of those names Finn recognized and others that he didn’t. He wasn’t sure if he should try to figure it out or just reassure Poe that it wasn’t his fault. “Let’s go and talk about this, huh? Get out of these stiff and uncomfortable clothes and into something more comfortable? How does that sound?”

That seemed to be the first thing that Finn said that was resonating with Poe. The Resistance pilot lifted a hand and started to pull at the knot of his bow tie in frustration as if it was constricting his breathing. Finn immediately saw and didn’t hesitate to reach forward and quickly untie the bow tie. “Let me,” Finn murmured as he draped the bow tie over his shoulder before unbuttoning the first few buttons of Poe’s collared shirt so that he could breathe easier. 

“Let’s get that jacket off too,” suggested Finn as he reached around and started to pry the jacket from over Poe’s shoulders before trying to pry Poe’s arms from the sleeves. Finn could already see that Poe was sweating through the suit. “That better?”

Poe’s eyes slightly to close in bliss, but Finn wasn’t about to let him relax there. “Come on, let’s go,” offered Finn as he straightened and offered his hand toward Poe.

A fire seemed to leap into Poe’s eyes as he swatted Finn’s hand aside. “I can do it myself,” grunted Poe as he struggled to his feet. 

Another ill placed firework caused Poe to immediately stumble toward Finn. Finn was there to reach out and steady him. “Alright, c’mon. It’ll be quieter in our room and we can get into a lot comfier clothes,” suggested Finn as he walked close to Poe so that their shoulders brushed. Poe was too proud to lean on him, but just the presence of knowing Finn was there was enough. 

The two walked side by side on their way back to their room. Every few moments another firework would go off. Poe would bow his head further every time and struggle to keep himself as composed as possible. He was crumbling quickly and they couldn’t reach the room quickly enough for Finn’s liking.

When they finally arrived, Finn opened the door quickly. Poe made his way in while trying to struggle out of his shoes and already fumbling with the buttons of his shirt. However, his hands were trembling too much and he couldn’t grasp the buttons. He seethed in frustration as a slue of swears left his mouth.

Finn came over after he shut the door behind him. “Let me help,” he began as he came over to Poe and nudged his hands aside.

“M’not a child,” Poe mumbled as he looked away from Finn as if he couldn’t deal with the fact that Finn was helping him.

“I know that you’re not,” replied Finn as he started at the top and started to undo the buttons. He made quick work of it as he watched Poe’s hands still shaking. “Adrenaline is just pumping through you right now and making you on edge. That’s all.”

Poe let out a huff that was between a laugh and a whimper. “I feel like I’m teetering on the edge and I don’t know what to do. It’s kriffing hard,” complained Poe as he lifted a hand and pressed it against one of his eyes. 

Finn managed to undo all the buttons of Poe’s collared shirt. He then helped Poe shrug out of his shirt so that he was now only in a thin tank top. “You have more than a right to feel that way. I knew that it could happen and I’m actually surprised it took this long.”

“You knew it was going to happen,” asked Poe slowly. 

Finn shook his head as he bent down to untie Poe’s shoes. “I had a feeling. That’s why we have a signal,” Finn replied as he lifted Poe’s ankles to help him step out of the shoes. “But, I’m glad that you lasted that long and we got you out before things could get worse.”

Just as Poe was about to answer, another powerful explosion sounded through the walls, nearly shaking the bunker. Poe immediately jolted in alarm as he grimaced while his breath quickened.

Finn straightened after he kicking Poe’s shoes aside. He looked over to the rapidly shutting down Poe and knew that this was going to be more challenging than he originally anticipated.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sure a lot of you could guess that something would happen. I went back and forth with the idea of fireworks and I’m going to go with the assumption that Poe didn’t say anything about not having them and everyone else just assumed it was okay and that’s why they still went off. I like to think of Poe trying to be secretive about all of this even when it’s almost an unwritten understanding that Poe is different after the war. I hope you guys liked this part and are staying safe and healthy!


	6. Drifting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The fireworks prove to be too much for Poe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is heavy on the fluff, so if you enjoy that then this will be the chapter for you. Hope you all enjoy!

It was a feat to pull Poe’s pants off of him so he was just in a tank top and boxers. Finn managed to do the same with himself so that he was more comfortable. He had just cast his suit aside when he looked back to see Poe staggering backwards to the wall with his lip curling in distain. Pain was evident on his face with each tremble of the bunker because of the fireworks. 

Finn thought he had been clear when he told them that there would be no fireworks. He hadn’t given a real definitive reason without betraying Poe’s privacy. However, they had seemed to understand and yet they had gone behind his back and done it anyway. He was too worried about Poe to be angry about them, but he was sure that once this passed he would have some chosen words for whoever did this.

“Poe,” Finn began as he started forward.

Poe continued to draw backwards until his back hit the wall, surprising him. He leaped forward before realizing it was just the wall and he promptly leaned back, his head pressed against the cool metal. He gritted his teeth to stop a sob from leaving his throat. The tears were already streaming down his face while he tried to compose himself to little to no avail. An almost pained expression showed on his face as he gave his head a bit of a shake.

Finn watched as Poe pressed firmly against the wall and stumbled over to the corner of the room where the two walls met. His back was partly arched as another harsh crackle pulsed through the bunker. Poe lowered his arms and hugged his midsection with his forehead pressed against the corner of the room as he tried to push forward firmly. “Make it stop. Please, make it stop.”

While Finn would’ve liked to do nothing more, he knew that he couldn’t stop the fireworks now or risk wasting the precious time that he had with Poe. He was going to have to do this a different way.

“Shhh, shhh,” Finn began as he started toward Poe. He didn’t wait to see if Poe was okay with him making the advancement; there wasn’t time for that.

Once Finn was a step away from Poe, he stretched out his arms and rested his hands over Poe’s ears. He was relieved to see that Poe’s erratic movements of his head was halted as his eyes closed tiredly. “Hey, just focus on me. I’m right in front of you. Focus on my voice.”

“Finn,” Poe managed to ask with a timid and slight rise of his head.

Finn nodded patiently. “That’s right. It’s me. I’m right here. You can feel me, you can see me, and you can hear my voice. I’m right in front of you and I’m going to do everything that I can to make this better for you, Poe. I can’t fully stop any of this, but I can at least try.”

Poe’s eyes held so much pain that Finn longed to take everything from Poe. He would gladly switch places if that would take all of this away from Poe. He loved Poe that much that he would rather be haunted by the past and never truly know what or what wasn’t in front of him. Yet, that wasn’t a possibility. No matter how much Finn pleaded, there would be no way for him to take it away from Poe. All he could do was be the support that Poe needed no matter what that entailed. 

“I’m afraid,” Poe confessed weakly, a fresh wave of emotion rushing from him. Even more tears pooled down his face while his voice was strained and croaking. “I don’t want to be me anymore.”

With his hands still on Poe’s ears, Finn thumbed the tears away firmly. “I know, I know. I’m going to do everything that I can to help.” He rested his thumbs gingerly on Poe’s cheek. “You just have to trust me. You know that I will always do right by you, right?”

Poe nodded slowly. “Yes,” he replied.

“You know that I would take this from you in a moment if I could, right,” Finn continued.

Poe gave a small shrug. “I would never ask you to do that,” he murmured simply.

Finn couldn’t help but laugh. Poe couldn’t be selfish if he tried. “I know, but that doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t at least try. I love you too much to see you this way. I know that I can’t take it from you and I can’t even imagine what you feel, but I’m going to fight everyday with you to make it better. If that means staying up every night to avoid the nightmares or never attending one of those stuffy parties again then so be it.”

“Finn—“

“I know that it’s not practical,” Finn continued before Poe could point out the obvious. He had always been good at seeing all sides even when he was emotional. “But, that’s how I feel. This will be a process and one that I wish you didn’t have to go through. Just know that you are the strongest, bravest, and smartest man that I’ve ever met. No nightmares or war sickness can change that.”

Finn felt that he said the same things to Poe when this happened. However, he would keep saying it until Poe finally started to believe it. “I don’t know about that,” Poe huffed almost painfully. “I’m pretty messed up.”

“So? You’re messed up, I’m messed up, everyone’s messed up if you ask me. At least in some way. Besides, you’re my mess and I’m yours, right,” Finn asked lightly.

Poe opened his mouth to answer when another explosion from outside caused the bunker to shake once again. Poe let out a harsh moan and Finn realized that it wouldn’t be long before Poe would retreat in himself and there wouldn’t be much that Finn could do to help him.

Finn tapped his foot impatiently as he thought about what he could possibly do to pull Poe’s attention from anything that wasn’t focusing on the fireworks or the anxiety that plagued him mind.

“Hey,” Finn murmured softy as Poe looked up to him. “I have an idea.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poe’s zoning out is often called disassociation and it is common in PTSD victims. They’ll loose gaps of time and essentially have an almost out of body experience or their minds will go blank. It often takes someone else to break through to them and bring them back to reality. Even then it can be a challenge to bring them completely back. It’ll be explored later, but I thought putting a name to what happened here may be helpful. Hope you liked this part and are excited for the next chapter. Hope everyone is staying safe and healthy!


	7. Music Heals The Soul

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn tries a different way to calm Poe down.

Finn managed to coax Poe onto their bed with Finn sliding beside him comfortingly. He had his PADD grasped surely in his fingertips as well as a some small beads that could go in their ears. That way they could hear what was going on while no one else could. They didn’t need to do it that way since they were the only ones in the room, besides BB-8 and D-O. However, to Finn it always seemed more intimate that way. 

Finn set the PADD down as he propped up the pillows behind him and Poe. He wrapped an arm around Poe’s shoulder while lifting the sheet and comforter around him. Poe was shivering and shuddering, and while Finn wasn’t sure whether or not it was because of his fear or cold, he could at least try to make him more comfortable with the blanket. “Comfortable,” Finn whispered down to Poe gently.

Poe managed a small nod. “I guess so,” he mumbled softly.

“Alright, good.” Finn then opened his palm where the beads were. “Let’s just put these in your ears.” Finn rolled two of the beads between his pointer finger and thumb. He reached up and gently brushed Poe’s hair aside before pushing them into Poe’s ears in turn. He put his in next and turned the PADD on. “Okay, let’s see what we have here.”

Poe slightly narrowed his eyes in scrutiny. “What are you doing,” he mumbled tiredly.

Finn looked down to Poe sweetly. He leaned down and kissed the tip of Poe’s nose softly. “You’re just going to have to wait and see oh impatient one,” he joked.

Poe grew quiet as Finn swiped his finger over the screen. Poe struggled to follow Finn’s movements because of how tired he was. He hardly reacted to the thunder of the fireworks or the shaking of the room. He was still aware of what was happening and his body longed to flinch and react, and yet it wasn’t working.

Finn knew that Poe was growing tired, which is what he was counting on. He finally found what he was waiting for as soft music started to sound in both of their ears. It was deep and rumbling and it was fairly foreign to Finn. However, he stole one look over at Poe and he saw the realization shine in his eyes. 

“That’s from Yavin IV,” murmured Poe in surprise. “My mother used to sing this song when I was young. H-How did you know?”

Finn shrugged. “It took some research and Leia helped me with it a while ago, before she died,” he replied, voice trailing off while he nodded slowly. “She said to save it for a time when you would need it most and this seemed like that time.”

Poe closed his eyes as if relishing in the song that filled his ears. “Leia always knew. She knew more than I ever told her. She was smart like that,” he breathed as he let out a small sniff. He lifted a hand to rub it against the side of his face. “I miss her, just like I miss my mother.”

Finn didn’t want this song to make this even harder for Poe to cope with. He would keep the song on while pulling his attention. “Hey, what do these words mean?” They weren’t the typical language that Finn knew and spoke frequently. He knew that if anyone would know what they meant, it would be Poe.

That seemed to pull Poe’s attention to a more positive place. “They’re singing about tranquility and a balance in the universe, to life and death and back again.” He gave a brief pause. “Now they’re saying how the good has to balance out the bad in the universe. It’s a cycle that needs to be repeated and experienced through everyone. It can be considered a little dark, but it is a fact of life.”

Finn nodded slowly as he let the words run through his mind. He let out a heavy breath. “I can hear it,” he murmured softly. “I feel it. There needs to be a balance.”

“As there should be with everything,” Poe answered with his head slightly bowed forward.

Finn shifted so that he could rest his cheek on the top of Poe’s head. “Which must mean that your hope should be coming soon, huh? You’ve been through so much and struggled with it. This song maybe is for telling what is to come for you, right?”

“I don’t know about that,” responded Poe tiredly. “But, my mother used to always tell me that the world will try to stomp out your spark so that you wouldn’t grow up to bring life and hope to others. It’s our duty to make sure that it doesn’t happen.”

Finn couldn’t help but smile. “Your mother sounded like a wonderful women. I wish that I could’ve met her.”

“She would’ve loved you. You’re kind, brave, and put up with all of my sass. She might’ve been a little surprised that I didn’t settle down with a women, but once she would met you I know she would love you,” Poe murmured. “Especially because of the way that you make me feel and help me with all of this. She would adore you.”

Finn couldn’t help but smile as he heard Poe say all those sweet things to him. “I wish I could’ve met her,” he repeated.

Poe tried to look up and Finn reluctantly pulled back. “Thank you for doing this, Finn. For everything, really,” he told his boyfriend.

Finn leaned down and kissed Poe lightly on the lips. Poe kissed him back softly before shifting to snuggle close to Finn. “I love you,” Poe breathed.

Finn smiled as he reached his hand down and took Poe’s hand gently. “I love you too. More than you will ever know.”

The two of them started to drift off with the sound of Yavin 4 music in their ears and the love that they shared for each other in their hearts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last part of this installment in the series. I wanted to bring up the idea of using music for those with PTSD and even those without. It’s very calming and I wanted to bring the idea of using it to calm Poe instead of always relying on medication or some more drastic themes. It can also be used to remind the person of happier times, especially if the song brings back memories and I thought that it would be important for Poe to hear music from his home world. I hope you guys enjoyed this story and are staying safe and healthy!

**Author's Note:**

> I don’t know if anyone remembers, but the first story in this series started because of a party and now I’m bringing the idea of that back again. I just thought it would be nice to show how far Poe has come while also showing how it could be a challenge for him. I hope you guys enjoyed the beginning of this story and are staying safe and healthy!


End file.
